I managed to banish the cloud of
sobriety for long periods of time, being drawn back to the blissful
innocence of telling myself I was happy, everything was normal,
nothing amiss—but there were times the cloud would creep
up behind me, tap me on the shoulder—and spit and laugh in
my face when I turned around. I kept a shield up, a shield that
not only protected my real self from the world, it protected me
from the constant stream of trenchant vibes from my "friends".
When their comments rained down on me, I began to become very
good at retorting with gibes of my own. The cruelty was often
then shifted off of me onto each other or someone else, and I
remember breathing a sigh of relief… it wasn’t about
me… I could just relax and let them make other people miserable.
There was something odd about my personal suffering that made
me indifferent when the same pain was wrought onto other people…
Breath
of You
The doubt encroaches
as it always does
I oppose this doubt now
but will so easily join its battle ranks
once so sure of a love so pure
I fall back into cynicality
too late to turn away from doubt
too soon to say I’m sorry
stuck here in the middle
something I need to say
my feelings you already know
in admittance there is beauty
brokeness is my heart’s cry
I stifle the cry, hold it inside
I have to go on
have to cling to this pride
doubt feeds my pride
like brush feeds a fire
but a cold fire this is
fire filled with chills of uncertainty
I say I can take the world
but find myself too afraid to take another breath
the one thing I can do now is simple
but so hard…
my heart pours out the words we both want to hear
"I love you, I’m sorry…
I don't deserve you at all.
I know you accept me always,
all I have to do is take the fall."
So I fall. And fall.
Spiraling into the madness of my soul
watching you put method into it all
confused at first
but safe for sure
I smile and do the most elementary thing—
I take a breath, a breath of you.
The sky was painted
with blue complacency
Before good or evil, love or greed.
Today something bitter taints the sky—
The smoke, the question "Why God, why?"
The sky is suddenly a cruel thing,
No longer a place for a bird on the wing,
Just a place for pain, the tears of angels.
A place where smoke drifts and mingles.
The smoke escapes from a lonely
place,
A place of fear, hate, and disgrace.
It travels in wisps across the sky,
Barely visible to the human eye.
It is cloaked by complacency,
Only seen by those who dare to see.
It floats and brings its eerie tale,
Leaving behind a legacy nobody cares to inhale.
The smoke penetrates every fence,
every roof.
Searching for a soul to hear the truth,
Drifiting mindlessly from day to night,
Bold and strong, it enters the light.
The people see it at last, they
point and stare.
The smoke is still, at last, alone and bare.
It relaxes and begins to rest
Until these people fail the test.
Their pride, so blinding, fills
the air,
Covering the smoke with its murky glare.
The smoke slips away to leave these men,
For they fail to see their own dark sin.
They stood with the world,
Watched silently as the plan was unfurled.
Nobody stepped in the way of death and sorrow,
The bleak hope of a new day tomorrow.
His eyes
eyes burning with the intensity
of love
peircing the darkness that lies beyond
the cold air rushes nearer
and falls uncomfortably around the burning soul
standing silently in boldness
staring into the deep space
the flickering stars forever serenade their song of life
from their seats above eternity
the air shifts, unleashing the soul
things once of stone
are now dancing in the melody of the stars
a ballet of endless color and light
love pours out over everything
the stars watch as the burning soul grows stronger
ultimate pain and suffering attained
descending down on the silent wings of death
cut off is the flow of effervescent
light
seemingly…
nothing will stop the unstoppable
the fire still burns
rather inside than out
no longer personified
still forever burning above
forever the image is preserved…
I know of the joy that lies beyond
I should feel that burning sensation of hope
but somewhere I am lacking
I don't know where to go or turn
somehwere between the lines of love and sorrow
don't know why I feel this way
all I know is I cant stay
I complain for reasons underlying
great family, freinds—even a little romance
a house, food, money….
In short, happiness.
Yet I am not happy and still my soul searches
now even my mind has crossed the crevasse…
I know what to do but still I linger here
in a world of black and white, up and down
no absolutes can be found…
will this all just fade?
Meaning nothing in the end?
Will I escape from my masquerade?
Only to continue to wear this mask?
But a mask wont help me now….
No way to hide from you
you created these emotions long before the world spun
planned out my every thought and breath
far before the seas were roaring
so I know I should give up now
secede all of me to you
but it is so hard to do…
even here as I openly and plainly state it…
I cant turn fully towards you and just do it
help me to "be" in this age of doing…
Lord, now I want to give it all to you.
Please take me and remake me.
Nothing held back now
take me… take me… please take me.
I sit from my perch
high in the rocks
mossy rocks
palm trees swaying at my back
a girl on the beach
taking shells
her tiny seaside treasures
and she is content; she leaves
as I watch
a couple strolls down the beach
hand in hand
soon they leave a place they will never forget
The
longings of my heart fill this empty place
complacency is wearing away
I have all I need, and I need all I have
grace, forgiveness, eternal love…
but still I want more
is it wrong to be in love with another human being?
Jesus is still first, but someone else is there
someone special, touching my heart with his presence
I’m so confused and so tired of these games
but what can I do? I just always mess things up
nothing goes right for me in this world of love
and I always find myself wanting something else…
its not physical, what I want
just exchanging a glance with him is heaven
a relationship is not even necessarily what I need
I just need some peace
so in this twisting world
spinning what I want out of reach
I don't even know what I want
so I am left to think…
resist I still
this awesome power
I’m on the edge
but wont dare to fall
deep in the sea
to that place of joy
somewhere lost at sea
is the person I can be
too easy to say I will
too hard to take the fall
today I will go
but today is suddenly tomorrow
filling up the time
it seems its running out
maybe not today… maybe tomorrow
but I know I want today
too easy to say I will
too hard to take the fall
today I will go
but today is suddenly tomorrow
the game stops here
I leap so far
today I slip back into you
and I find myself in the sea
too easy to say I will
too hard to take the fall
today I will go
but today is suddenly tomorrow
and now im here in you
and I never wanna go
If only you could
see…
When I look into the sunset
the quiet night
the rising sun
the emerald forest
a summer sky
the deep vast ocean
a large sienna field
hill after rolling hill
the steep dark mountains
the rolling sands of a desert
the jewel-like flowers
puffy white clouds
or dark, misty ones
a colorful rainbow; a sacred sign
the cold glare of the moon
the twinkling stars
space, so dark, so vast
the bright shining sun
the delicious spring of the waterfall
a cold snowy plain
the air so crisp, so sweet
a large shady tree
a mesa, spanning miles
each animal unique
from fluffy dogs
to fearsome bears
or feathery, winged, colorful birds
playful kitties
crabs, fish, seashells
hoofed horses
spotted cows
a giraffe, so tall
an elephant, so mighty
a rhino, stomping its foot
lions hunting
a sloth, green and musty
a swan, or a duck, bobbing on the water
a bluebird flitting in a tree
and human
human nature
human bodies
from hair
to skin
the smooth, colorful coating
bones, skeletons of strong build
muscle, utilizing the bones
every thought in our minds
our brains
our minds, our beautiful, spacious, curious minds
the hands
helping us in almost every task
legs, strong and sturdy to walk on
toes to wiggle, toenails to paint
our hair
it tops heads
all in different lengths
different styles
colors from vibrant to dull
thick or thin
light or dark
with all of this evidence
these small miracles of life
everything in our world
everything in our universe
how can you say it all just came from nothing
just like that?
This forgotten shack
lying by the shore
housing nothing
seemingly…
inside I find something
a treasure; perhaps
trash; most likely
but I am compelled to look deeper
Among things I find
are pictures
lamps, a desk
a bird cage
but I pass all of these
for this
I found this in a shack
by the sea
I see something
is it a glimmer of hope
I wonder
oh, for a glimpse
to see that again
I look hard
it is gone
in that split second
I see the shack
transformed
like a mansion
filled with a light
but surely not this
this dank, dark, musty
this shack
but I saw
I saw something in it
a quality only I could see
and I cherish that
so I leave it to its own
heading back down the shore
I smell the sea air
my toes in the sand
and I take one last look at the shack that was something more
Struggling
for a foothold
scrambling for a ledge to grab a hold of
trying to scale this awesome cliff
all alone, by myself
Not realizing
that if I were to fall back
to secede all my power to You
you would catch me in your hands
and place me gently on top
of that mighty cliff.
A tiny hand reaching out
wanting and hoping for more
reaching out and baring its soul
opening up its heart wide
a sudden gasp
the hand draws back
the soul was slashed
the heart ripped out
something even more important died
something deep inside
pride, emotion, love, and hope
writhe in the deep red of shame
the soul weeps
a bitter flow of tears
washing down
washing out
suddenly it doesnt matter
there is someting happening
a flow of iridescent water
rushing, surging over the broken soul
the cascade is life
it is pure love and light
the pureness of the broken soul comes out
and the blessedness of its pain
Umfolo
And then
out of the dust he charges
with mighty horns
thick, gray skin
and mighty feet
pawing the ground
the herd is nearby
he could join them but stands alone
all alone, by himself, all alone
and with his small ears
he hears rustling
and with his beady eyes
he sees the gleam
of a gun
he sees her, in the herd
oh no! she is the target
she is the hunted
and with a mighty clop-clop
of his feet, racing, racing, running
he screams on the inside
thinking of her certain death
crunch, crackle, crunch goes the dead grass underfoot
no! he isn’t too late
skidding to a halt like a car putting on the brakes,
he stops in front of her
in front of his beloved
and takes the bullet meant for her
in a last desperate move
he calls out a warning to the others
they run
the clop-clip-clop of feet is heard
a dust cloud rises behind them
swallowing them up
making them disappear
the hunter looks disappointed
the one he shot is a male
he wanted the female
so, cursing, he goes stomping off
leaving the hero of the herd
Umfolo, the rhino
who put himself in the way of the bullet
he is left in the settling dust to rot
perhaps the buzzards will come
and eat him first if they can get through his thick hide.
You
leave me with "God bless"
how much insincerity can you confess
you like to rant and rave
about the Christians of today
but what are you inside
are you so wrapped up in your pride
that you cant see your fault
you think youll never fall
you never bother to read the truth
use your demented knowledge as "proof"
you never seek to turn
for backward ways you yearn
don't infect me with your pride
swelled up from the inside
ideals distorted by a menagerie of lies
but peace they never buy…
YOU
When I was alone
so far from anyone
I sat there picking a bone
missing out on everything
to stick with my own ways
though I could see it in the haze
like a cloud
floating down from its high perch
to heal me
to heal me, to help me, to heal me
and all the while I was resisting
with all my force, all my strength
I could not hold back such
a powerful love as yours
though it is soft
gentle, caring, gentle, soft
it is strong, pulling me
pushing, shoving, pushing
chaos of the world
all left behind
I am no longer alone
you have filled me with something
something I could never forget
nor lose
you are part of me
just as much as I am a part of you
though I stray away against my intentions
you always keep me close
like a shepherd watching over his beloved sheep
you guard me
from terrors, demons, hate
you fill me with that burning feeling
like fire in my veins
while at the same time I feel
like my whole self, my whole soul
is encompassed in silk
a silk so rich
a silk so soft
a silk so forgiving
it could only be You
all works by me probably somewhere between the years of 99-01...